The Late News: Melbourne Man Raped outside Mona

 Dateline: Hobart, Saturday 22nd Feb 2024, 1am

Melbourne man, father of numerous children, was found lying in the gutter and bleeding from the mouth after a vicious assault from local Tasmanian 'yoof', outside the infamous gaming HQ, Mona.

Alleging he had been at the Queens of the Stone Age concert, but with bleeding knees, grass stains on his trowsers and a pocket full of condoms, Steve Q Paltos was on his own this night, when he found himself outside the Granada Tavern, advanced as a prospective site for the new AFL Stadium to house the Tasmanian Team.

Paltos, interviewed yesterday by our roving reporter P GLB Kimber at the Melbourne Mardi Gras event, where Steve was dressed as a Sydney Policeman, said "it all came of a sudden, and bodily fluids were strewn all over the pavement, then he punched me in the mouth, took my T shirt, and left me semi-naked in the middle of the road".

Following these tragic events, the father, a Greek of the old school, Demetrios Paltodiminebuliipoulos said he is helping his wayward son with police and compensation action. "We'll get money out of the bastards, even if we have to put Steve out on the road naked again as a salted herring to encourage further engagement"

Meanwhile, at Police HQ, Commissioner Donna Summers was singing her most favoured tune "I Feel Love" with altered words:

"Steve felt love,

It was undignified and quick,

But he escaped with his virginity,

We all love him and wish it had happened in Melbourne not Hobart, give the AFL the shove".

More news: when the case comes to court....stay tuned. 

Donna Summer - I Feel Love (Live) - Bing video